Send in the Clowns, Part II
I had my 27-week check up this AM and found out I gained ANOTHER 10 pounds this past month. While my measurements are right on target (meaning that baby is growing appropriately), that brings my total weight gain to over 30 pounds now, and I still have 3 months to go. I knew I'd be gaining weight, but I am just so tired of feeling so bad about it.
My doc outright told me I’m eating too much, and not taking care of myself. I lost it. Totally lost it. Crying, everything. I explained to her that my whole freaking life I've been fat. I worked my @$$ off (literally) to get down to a healthy weight, losing 50 pounds, and was able to stay there for a whole TWO DAYS before getting pregnant, subsequently losing the pregnancy, just to get pregnant at the first opportunity thereafter- I have been on this damn rollercoaster for so long, I'm just tired!
She's really worried that I'm suffering from depression, and I can't say that I blame her. I feel like things at home have been stressful, and there's nothing more I can do about it- AnonAbba’s job is super precarious, and we are simply not making enough money as is, let alone how it would be with only my income- which then brings up the fact that in Jan. I'll be 6 weeks with NO income (FMLA is 12 weeks, but my job only pays for 6 with vaginal birth, 8 weeks for c-section). I've been trying to talk to my dad, but he says I should talk to my mom (she's in the health field and he feels like her medical knowledge will help more), but my mother is fond of telling me how I’m very sick and she's always thought I should be on Lithium (like THAT'S what I want to hear from my mother). I want a mother/father/parent- not another doctor- which is why I'm trying to talk to my dad, and it's getting harder and harder to do so when it feels like he's pushing me away from him- and moreover- towards something/one who I am afraid will only hurt me more.
My IRL friends often think I'm just being a baby or "can't hack it", or something. It's like I can't seek out help in the Jewish community for fear of embarrassing my family, I can't seek out help in the secular community because it's so hard to explain what the frum (religious Orthodox) lifestyle is like so that people truly appreciate the benefits and stresses which accompany it, and I can't seek out help in the professional community (as in a psyche-doc) because we really can't afford the extra $100 a week. And now my OB thinks I'm an overeater who doesn't self-care.
When I ended my 1st trimester, I started realizing I was cocooning (didn't talk to friends, family, and wasn't posting on my old-standby message board all that often, either), I wasn't keeping up my thoughts journal, I wasn't exercising and wasn't eating right- As soon as I realized that this was a perfect recipe for depression, I immediately made MAJOR changes. I posted a very raw emotional post on this blog (which is my thoughts journal), I posted on my message board and on 2 other pregnancy message boards in an effort to rejoin a community, I signed up for prenatal yoga classes each week, and I spent nearly $200 at the grocery store in fresh produce and good-for-me foods, and started planning/making healthy meals. I went out for a manicure and pedicure, and started taking better care of my skin- because when you look good you feel good, and taking time to pamper yourself is important, etc etc etc. When I started to realize that AnonAbba and my problems weren't going away, and were escalating, I signed us up for counseling- and when the counselor recommended a book for me to read in connection with our fights, I read it cover to cover in 2 days- highlighter in hand. My OB gave me specific instructions on what to eat and what not to eat, and I've followed each one absolutely to a T since the day we TTC'd, quit smoking cold turkey, all of it... and yet, I'm still presenting as someone who does not take care of myself. What more am I to do? This blessed self-care has been exhausting, and it's not even registering!
She said that 10% of all women experience some degree of post-partum depression, and that she'd put me in the 'high risk' category, and that she wants to monitor me for depression during pregnancy, also. She mentioned Prozac and Zoloft, but I just don't know how I feel about meds for myself, let alone during pregnancy. I feel like I've been running away from depression my whole life, and no matter how hard I try to escape it, this stupid black cloud still finds a way to envelope me. She also mentioned finding a support group, and suggested Overeaters Anonymous... I swear, I'm SO not an overeater!!! I don't binge, I don't even have binging food in the house, and haven't for 3 years!! If I wanted to eat mindlessly, the only thing available to me right now would be cereal- and organic high-fiber cereal at that!
I just don't know where to turn. I have good days and bad days, but overall my situation is not great. I could really use any help anyone has to offer.
posted by Anonymommy @ 1:52 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
Using drugs to help regulate the chemicals that govern your emptions is not a show of weakness and not a sign of failure - it is taking a responsible step toward improving your health. The stress of fighting with AnonAbba is not good for the little fetus. The weight gain may also be tied to stress and depression (emotional eating? so many of us do it) - and you don't want to gain way too much, because that could ead to high birth weight and compications during delivery (as I'm sure you know).
Are you exercising at all? Can you work in even one 15-20 minute walk each evening, either alone (to help clear your mind) or with AnonAbba (to facilitate some relaxed conversation)?
I hope you don't mind terribly, but I'm going to post a link to this on my blog. Maybe one of my readers will have a suggestion or two for you.
As one who suffered from post-natal depression, I also was in the drugs=weakness camp. Two years of therapy and medication later, I can say that I do feel taking this step on my own behalf was so positive. It's a sign of strength not that I've failed. I'm a better partner, parent and person because I'm getting the help I need.
Find yourself a good doctor. Take care of yourself. And, yes, this means exercising, drinking loads of water and watching what you eat. I know how hard that can be.
One last thing. My doctor said there's evidence to suggest Paxil is problematic in pregnancy but Zoloft and Prozac are generally thought to be safe.
Be well. B'sha'a tova and, please, take care of yourself.
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
Okay, I agree with the above, that drugs does not equal weakness. I'm going to address your other issue: weight gain.
I've had a bunch of babies. I'm not exactly thin. I weighed about 180 when I got married, and I've been hovering around 200lbs ever since my first baby. I'm 5'4"
I've gained about 30-40 lbs for each of my pregnancies, and lost most of it in-between, and none of my doctors ever said a word about it, until my most recent one, when I had a midwife... and she told me to limit my weight gain to 15 lbs.
I had actually lost all my weight from my previous pregnancy, and was 10 lbs under 200... and pretty proud of myself, because I had just found the "secret" for my body and was finally in control of my weight... when I got pregnant. But limiting weight gain? I hadn't a clue how to do that.
And I did eat sensibly, and try to exercise, etc... and I gained that same 35 lbs. At least she had the sense not to yell at me. She mentioned it once, and I told her it was the same as previous pregnancies, and she stopped bothering me about it... but you don't have that to fall back on.
I think it's entirely possible that your body is "programmed" to gain a certain amount of weight in pregnancy, and eating healthy food just means it will come off easier after the baby is born... but it will still go on now, no matter what you do. And your Dr. is being unintentionally mean to accuse you of not trying, because I think you are doing everything "right" and it isn't "helping."
So please don't stress out over your weight gain on top of everything else. Just do the best you can, and don't even look at the scale.
Best wishes for a healthy baby b'sha'ah tovah, and a natural and healthy weight loss after baby arrives!
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